For the last 4 years we have talked everyday, i shared with him every single thing that ever happened with me. I shared my fears, hopes , dreams and love. we chatted, laughed and sarcastically dealt with some issues. Today after a 4 year relationship, i call and silently think that i have nothing to say, the words are flying out of my mouth with no meanings. This creeps me, after everything we ever went through, how can i have nothing to say? nothing to share?
Am confused?! why dont i have nothing to say ??? why ?!!
Can love disappear after 4 years of passion and true love??? how can this happen..??
Maybe i have nothing to say, coz what i really want to say is " move on with ur life, i have nothing to say or do with it" !! ????? yet when i look at his eyes, i feel love?!!!
Am confused??!! why dont i have nothing to say
i smile, i dance, i move and i feel just perfect. Just when i look at the mirror, i see someone else. Someone whose tired, big and upset with life. i just don't know who that person is. Its one thing to be over weight, one have to struggle with it, and its another thing when people around you treat you differently just because you are"over weight". Yesterday, In my friends wedding i was sitting and i asked someone to take a photo for me, and that someone took my camera stood as far as i wanted her to and simply zoomed in to my face to snap the shot. Its crazy what people do!!.
I have to bare with this shit!!, and its funny cause when i look at obese people i feel disgusted, and i'd ask my self, why don't they go gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
its hard to change your life and its hard to feel that you are trapped in your own self, the key for your freedom lies in your hand and your just too tired or too stupid to unlock and free yourself.
i truly know what i want. i want to be free, i want to let go and move on in my life, i want to experience life normally in a normal appearance. i know exactly what would make me happy yet!!! i don't even work 1 second on achieving that thing!!!! ......
isn't it funny???, when you as a person know the answer, the solution, that would set you free and relief you, yet somehow you do nothing !! you stand and watch your life moving second by second.
Man’s quest in life is to find happiness. But if my happiness lies in my boyfriend or a (thing) and if I ever lost my boyfriend then ill be unhappy and this is never my intention. But, god’s (someone whose above all) intention is to make us happy and thus, our happiness should be in something perfect something that is above all time, space and dimension. You can call him God, Jesus, or who ever. But this someone should be infinite, if he was like you and me then he’ll put u or me in greave ones he’s gone.
However, if let’s say that our happiness must lay in someone “ a living being “ wether human or animal or an act or something to achieve or maybe just an object. Then we humans are very funny, we are so lazy to reach happiness, for instance if someone’s happiness is in him/her losing weight (2nd risk factor for death in the world) however these people don’t even try to lose weight. If my happiness is in me loosing weight and if am certain of that fact then why don’t I do effort into presuding my happiness!!,,
we are humble beings, we do find happiness in little things such as when we see a flower (or varies according to each human).
however, these things are short term happiness... what we aim for is long term happiness.. something that will always be there and is never gone...
This instinctive quest for finding happiness is what make's us go through all the shit we go through everyday.. so i sit in class for 2 hrs listing to some aliened material just to fulfill my over all dream in graduating which will make me happy... and if u sit and think you will find millions and billions of reasons on why we bare with whats around us everyday !!!!
its been almost a year :) the last time i signed in here was AUG 2011, today its JULY 2012...
i really miss writing.. i'v been bzy with everything else that i forgot to express and log in and write !!
am taking an English class < its what reminded me of writing > its loaded with term papers and essays... however am finding it hard to write ...
its weird !
This summer is a hard summer for me, am having a having a hard time because of my early classes and excesive homeworks !!
and with all this going am trying to change my life and twist it upside down !!!
and with all of that my boyfriend is in town and i have to see him and enjoy our evenings together .. i shall laugh talk nd enjoy every second of being with him ... to be honest iam enjoying, however my mind is always bzy in my exams and projects..
and fitting GYM into my scedual is the hardest thing ever !!!
so my crazy crazy summer !!
however am loving this tension .... am enjoying my evenings with the one i love.. i look into his eyes and forget the pain and the projects!! " even thou i remember it again when i look away " hehe.. its funny how life is
i kept missing my boyfriend and when he came it became hard 1! for me :*(
Sweet Crazy Summer :)
today , for the first time my boyfriend sees me after i started my journey :) and his eyes were filled with things that i couldn't even describe :)
i felt how he loved me and how he really cares for me.. my extra few pounds were never our problem but it was my problem .. and i used to think he thinks am fat BLA BLA BLA....but now i know am wrong
he looked at me the same way he looks at me every time but THIS TIME WAS DIFFERENT BECAUSE I WAS DIFFERENT...
i looked better, i had an amazing smile and i felt right :)
its a journey that yet didn't begin !! .. its something after 21 years of my life i decided to do . its to lose weight .. i'v been over weight all my life.. not like in my mind but am truly over weight.. and am always stressed about it .. but i actually didnt do anything abt it .
but 2 weeks ago i decided to twist my life, and step a foot forward. if extra weight is whats stressing me well then am gonna remove this extra weight !!! its hard to keep focused specially with people around u eating all delicious stuff ..
anyway its a journey a real NEW BEGINNING ... where am gonna start a new life with a new style and a new look ...
i'd be studying and focusing on my plans... and suddnly my mind wonders and i start thinking of him ... i always wonder is he the right one ? he told me many times he's sure am the one.. so how come am not sure ....
before wen i use to look at his pictures i use to feel nothing , but now ... now i feel as if i want to grab him and kiss him right away.. i feel how much i love him ... but the question stays what if my mind is too focused that he's not the one ... that i cant see the current truth
and i guess ... its that i love him " sooo much "
he's my first and i truly wish for him to be the last too :(